Joy Comes In the Morning. Alleluia!

(An excerpt from my devotional journal) Why I Celebrate Easter

1 Corinthians: 5 "...so that your faith might not rest on man's wisdom, but on God's power."

Thought: God, I remember how I struggled with the former things I had learned about you, and my pursuit of you through good works. It all seemed right, that I must earn my way to heaven. It was logical since my knowledge of you was to do the work; earn the reward, or, fail. It depended on me and how I lived my life. I was to work hard to get the prize. It went against the gift of grace, that a 'mighty and powerful God' was offering me eternity with him, just as I was. Bringing nothing from my past as a payment.

I clung to the wisdom of the world....and my life, with fierceness, not willing to unclench even one finger for fear that all I believed in would dissolve. My life was live by a ridged set of rules, imposed by well intentioned people who loved me and thought these rules would help me secure the 'good life'.

But, as I've discovered, law without redemption and grace, holds no power. Only pain and loss. It doesn't produce fruit and joy, only guilt and anger. It leaves no room for peace, but stirs resentment and judgement.

How are we to live like this? How are we to have any hope of others desiring to know our God?

For behind a heart of man made, ever changing rules, lies a continual sense of restlessness and longing, void of all that we hope for in this life and the next.

A mighty, loving, forgiving and understanding Creator loves us for who we are and longs to be our Father. He has made a way through his beloved son, Jesus. A gift to me and all who will accept that gift.

Only you, Lord, have been able to give this to me. No wonder this Easter morning I can proclaim, Alleluia! Alleluia!

Lessons of a life

It is 1:30am on January 19, 2009...two years ago today life changed forever. Jim's accident occurred between 8am and 10am on that day.

I was thinking about this all day yesterday. I was oblivious to what was to come just 24 hours later and how it would impact our lives from that point on. What would I do different if I could turn back the clock? How would I have lived that day before and what would I have said to Jim differently?

On that day I attended my step-dad's funeral. He had passed away 3 days previously after a long illness. Iwas extremely tired from months at the nursing home and hospital and trying to be a help to my Mom. Jim went with me to the funeral but did not go to the dinner afterwards. I remember he was not feeling well and had been quiet all day. We hadn't talked much in the past month due to me being at the hospital most nights and working all day. He had not worked in awhile and was constantly nursing back pain. Emotions between us were unspoken and unresolved. For all the reasons that seemed reasonable at the time, we had put our own lives on hold and pushed issues to the background of our daily schedules. I remember going to bed very weary, knowing I had to get up and go to work, then deal with my mom's grief and future plans.

I also remember asking God to change my life. And so he did.

Now, I am not proposing that God caused Jim's accident...I've never once thought that. But, looking back two years later and all that has transpired since...I do believe He had a plan. I do believe He loves me intimately and cares about everything in my life. I do believe He listens. He knows me and my every thought, and my every need.

Over the past two years I have learned patience, as I never knew patience before. I have learned independence and total reliance can reside side by side. I have learned to humble myself in ways I never imagined and trust God to lift me up. I have learned how to live with myself...and Jim without understandable verbal communication, but still find ways to talk. I have learned to be alone and realize God will never leave me alone. I have learned you can fully love for the sake of another because God is my true source of love...

Mostly, I have learned, not to take for granted one minute of the time we are given, for each breath is a gift, each word resonates long after it is spoken. On my own, I do not have the strength to meet these challenges, and God does not give me the strength one minute before I need it, nor one minute after I need it, but at just the right time.

I am not celebrating this two year anniversary of Jim's accident, but I am celebrating all the victories we have survived through God Almighty's provision, and the many blessings we have encountered because of it.

So, what would I change from what I have learned? I'd like to think I'd reprioritize my thinking and see what God would have me do in his strength instead of trying to do everything in my own. I would let some things go that no longer seem so important. I would laugh more. I would enjoy whatever moment of joy I was given and give back doublefold. I would take time to sit...and just be. I would realize I cannot solve the worlds problems, nor does God expect me to..but only those he gives me the strength and wisdom for that day. I would learn that I cannot change the past, nor control the future, but I can live, love and give today. I am working on it.

Hi everyone,

We are into summer whether the calender says so or not. It is going to be HOT! 90 degrees plus. Our calender is broken into spring, summer, fall and winter. It gives us order and a time to plan. I understand what goes into the timing of the seasons and it is much more intricate then picking a date. But, even knowing that, we order our world around our own description of seasons or life.

When summer falls into spring, or we have a winter day in August, it makes me think of how much of life is truly out of our control. We can organize it, delegate it, officially proclaim it and plan on it on a regular basis. But, only God can ordain it. God made them and he is in control.

More and more, I've come to realize how little I have control in my own life. I can consult experts, friends, Internet, TV and philosophers for advice. Well meaning and educated as they may be, mostly, it's a shot in the dark at best. Not to say I shouldn't take those steps in getting good information, but, in the end, my reliance on answers and what my future holds is in the hands of the almighty God.

Here is a for instance: Most of you know what major changes the last year has brought to our family, Jim and I, in particular. Not only did his accident change him forever, but, major life changes came as a result. We had to move out of our home of 9 years to a much smaller rental. God was in it and provided the right people, the right house at the right time. That saying, it was still a major hassle trying to sort, pitch and place 3x worth of stuff into a 1/3 or size house. Parting with long ago, accumulated items was a chore. We still have to find place for things that don't fit here, but are wanted or needed. What to pitch, what to keep, what to give. The cleansing was good as it showed me what I knew in my heart to be true, I didn't need all of that. God already knew.

I did my best to sort, organize and plan how to do this. I sought family advice, Internet advice, friend advice and help. It was to all come together in a short amount of time, but, 7 months later I am still dealing with it. Here is the catch. We only had 6 months to stay here before we had to decide to move or buy. Again, I sought advice, searched for answers(and houses). Deadline fast approaching and the present house looking like it wasn't an option, I listed all the needs we must fill at the top: a space in the house for Jim to work, do his art and feel at peace. It had to meet the money and timing criteria and still fit in what we have, and, last us for a long time.(Jim doesn't do change well.) All my organization, consulting and planning should have produced the end result. But here I am, still waiting and the time for decision making has come and gone. Panic is coming up in the rear.

So, what does all of this have to do with the seasons and it being hot? Well, just like we have a time and description for the seasons, it doesn't always come about as planned. And the obvious is, God is the author of the seasons, as well as our lives, and if he so chooses to put a summer day in the spring, so be it. If I could only get it straight in my life that he has the same control over me, because I gave him my life long ago. Of course, my plan was much different. It was all mapped out in my head. My my, if that plan would have worked and came to fruition, we would have all been in trouble, I'm sure. But thankfully, he knows me, in the truest sense. And, although I believe he wants me to continue to plan the course of my life, he expects me to expect changes, his changes, so I can be molded to his character while he sifts my descriptions of life and molds them to his.

It is an adventure, if we choose to see the path ahead, and after all. I am not alone.

Spring! A season of hope, life and new beginnings. I love Spring! I don't know about all of you, but I think it has been a long, cold winter. I am itching to get outside and breath that new earth smell. I took my first walk of the year with my darling granddaughter, Alena. She came to us last summer as our bundle of God's blessing from Russia. I had the privilege of watching her for a few hours while her mom spent her birthday morning doing some fun things.

Since Jim's accident, I haven't had many opportunities to spend time with my grandchildren(I have 14 of them). And that's a shame because they bring me such joy. Life has had many challenges the past year and has kept me busy and tired. So, anyway, I decided to take the morning and play with Alena. She is only two 1/2 but very observant and full of fun. We ventured out into sunshine and headed for the playground a couple of blocks away. I was fully prepared to have to carry her part of the way as it was a distance for her little legs. Boy, was I fooled! I had to walk fast to keep up with her. It felt so good not having an agenda and acting like a kid. I introduced her to her shadow as the sun was behind us. I showed her how to make funny faces with my hands. It didn't take but a minute for her to catch on how to do it. Every couple of minutes we had to stop and try it out. I felt like a kid myself. My senses were alive and hearing all the sounds around us. Birds singing, kids laughing, creaking doors of people going in and out of their houses, coming out to review the winters wrath on their yards.

We walked the equivalent of 4 blocks and she wasn't even winded. I, on the other hand, made a mental note to start an exercise program- soon! Walking thru the front door and thinking she will be ready to do something quiet, like color, I removed my coat. Alena made a dash for the back door and looked up at me, as to say, "come, on, grandma, there's swings out there - let's go!" So, we did.

Twenty minutes later I coaxed her indoors and settled her in for lunch. I was awarded with a beautiful smile. Grandpa walked thru the door and beamed from ear to ear. His grandchildren are also, the joy of his life.

God is so good. Whatever this world takes from us, our heavenly father returns in ways that can't be outdone. We only need to take time stop, look and listen, and come to him as his child. No money or things lost can measure up to what he offers.

Enjoy this new season, smile and smell the roses, the tulips, the new cut grass. Jesus loves you.

Merry Christmas!

Well, it's almost that time, again. Silver bells are ringing in the birth of Christ the Savior! Such good news for all, whether you know Him, or have yet to know him. He is the hope eternal. The faithful one. The Messiah. Abba, Father. The Christ child. There is joy in the morning and hope because He lives.

This is why I can sing, why I can get up each day and have hope, why I don't succumb to pity or despair(most of the time). We were given a real miracle this year and although life will never be what it once was, I will always know that God personally intervened in our lives by saving Jim's life. I also know that the power of prayer of Gods faithful people has been a gift to us, better than any gift one could get under the Christmas tree.

The hard part is living that miracle every day and never allowing myself to take it for granted. I am learning patience beyond any I thought I could have, pleasure in simple things and accomplishments, victory in my ongoing desire to look ahead, and satisfaction with so many things I have and not what is lost.

I struggle with learning to do things that don't come naturally, meeting many responsibilities, staying focused on one task and allowing God to do, what I can't.

I wish I could say I am always strong, never down, always full of hope and never grumpy...but, then I guess I wouldn't need need Him. And I do.

Jim is still making recovery progress. But as this new life settles in, I ache for the adjustments he must now make and accept. He has gained his life, but lost a big part of the many things he could do once do and enjoyed. Please pray with me that he will find joy and a sense of well being and need.

May God bless each and every one of you and may you and your families enjoy and Merry Christmas.

The last two weeks have been particularly hard ones. I've had to make major decisions and act on them. They will affect us for many years to come. It is one thing to choose your own path, it is quite another when you must choose for those you love. I have prayed, sought counsel, and tried to weigh my options. I have a sense of peace or acceptance, but, my emotions are scattered. I find myself on the verge of tears for no reason, stuffing my shredded composure and thoughts back into my body like a cast away rag doll.

I catch myself self talking(lecturing would be a better word) and recalling all the reasons my heart should be thankful instead of mourning. But I wonder. There are losses. Major losses.

What would Jesus do? He had feelings, disappointments, discouragements. I am sure he must have felt devastation when he lost his friend Lazarus. The Bible says, "Jesus wept." And how discouraged and disillusioned must he have been when his closest friends, the apostles, let him down, or acted out of selfishness or lack of trust. Surely this weighed on him.

Did he ever second guess his decisions? He was all God, but also, all man. Did he place his trust in his earthly wisdom, or his heavenly father? I wonder.

We all know, ultimately, what he did. But did he struggle?

In my quest to follow him I think I sometimes get confused with how I should be and just being who He created me to be. If He knows me from head to toe, inside and out, he knows my weaknesses and my struggles. What crushes me and what I can withstand. If He allowed himself to experience the feelings that accompany major changes and loss, surely he expects me to feel the same. When will I get it through my head, He loves who he created in me and only ask that I walk in faith. My weakness is made perfect in his strength

I've been told, Joy comes in the morning. Maybe that is because Jesus is the 'Son' that rises in the dawn of a new day, giving us hope for tomorrow and displaying his faithfulness today.

I will smile through the tears, count my blessings, and rest in his faithfulness.

Fall

This year could be described as the fall of my life. We are in the fall season now and as I gaze at the wonder of Gods beautiful earth and the kaleidoscope of color he has painted for our pleasure, I am in awe and humbled to be able , year after year, relish in the sheer Majesty of it all. The miracle he creates, and lets me partake in, makes me realize who he is, in relationship to who I am.

It is, somewhat, how I feel about this past year. The miracles He has performed on behalf of Jim and our family and the wonder of why he allowed us to be part of his display of power and grace, astounds me each time I think of it. But, just like fall, there is a time of change that comes. The golden orange, red, purple leaves that leave us all breathless, disengage from their branches, tumbling to the ground, stripping the tree to its bare limbs exposed to the winters rage. It seems a heartless, cruel end to something so magnificent...and for what purpose?
If I had never experienced spring, with it's new growth and hope for abundance of shade, it would all seem too meaningless for the tree; and leave us no hope of another fall. But, God in his perfect design, had a plan. For the tree, and for me.

The change that has come about due to Jim's accident has brought much pruning, literally and emotionally. We are having to let go of many material things and way of life that was familiar and comfortable. We will be leaving our home of 9 years that we poured sweat, tears and money into and will be downsizing to almost our beginning married life. It's not the things we must let go of that is so hard, it's the memories that go with them. Financially, we have had to disappoint many as the bills are too overwhelming. This is really painful and I hate it. Most of all, changes in daily living have been enormous. The routine of our lives, good or bad, was comfortable, do able and known. This path we are now walking down is strange, isolated and frightening, at times.

But, God.

Experiencing the range of emotions and trials does not exclude us from his mercy, grace or constant love. As glorious fall gives way to winters wrath, we are not left without hope. For Gods planning for the seasons, as well as our lives, always brings hope, growth and life. I think the secret to pressing on and waiting for spring is knowing Him and his faithfulness; and trusting in his perfect plan with a thankful heart that the mighty creator of the tree, and me, has it all under control.