Sunday, October 21, 2007

The last two weeks have been particularly hard ones. I've had to make major decisions and act on them. They will affect us for many years to come. It is one thing to choose your own path, it is quite another when you must choose for those you love. I have prayed, sought counsel, and tried to weigh my options. I have a sense of peace or acceptance, but, my emotions are scattered. I find myself on the verge of tears for no reason, stuffing my shredded composure and thoughts back into my body like a cast away rag doll.

I catch myself self talking(lecturing would be a better word) and recalling all the reasons my heart should be thankful instead of mourning. But I wonder. There are losses. Major losses.

What would Jesus do? He had feelings, disappointments, discouragements. I am sure he must have felt devastation when he lost his friend Lazarus. The Bible says, "Jesus wept." And how discouraged and disillusioned must he have been when his closest friends, the apostles, let him down, or acted out of selfishness or lack of trust. Surely this weighed on him.

Did he ever second guess his decisions? He was all God, but also, all man. Did he place his trust in his earthly wisdom, or his heavenly father? I wonder.

We all know, ultimately, what he did. But did he struggle?

In my quest to follow him I think I sometimes get confused with how I should be and just being who He created me to be. If He knows me from head to toe, inside and out, he knows my weaknesses and my struggles. What crushes me and what I can withstand. If He allowed himself to experience the feelings that accompany major changes and loss, surely he expects me to feel the same. When will I get it through my head, He loves who he created in me and only ask that I walk in faith. My weakness is made perfect in his strength

I've been told, Joy comes in the morning. Maybe that is because Jesus is the 'Son' that rises in the dawn of a new day, giving us hope for tomorrow and displaying his faithfulness today.

I will smile through the tears, count my blessings, and rest in his faithfulness.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Fall

This year could be described as the fall of my life. We are in the fall season now and as I gaze at the wonder of Gods beautiful earth and the kaleidoscope of color he has painted for our pleasure, I am in awe and humbled to be able , year after year, relish in the sheer Majesty of it all. The miracle he creates, and lets me partake in, makes me realize who he is, in relationship to who I am.

It is, somewhat, how I feel about this past year. The miracles He has performed on behalf of Jim and our family and the wonder of why he allowed us to be part of his display of power and grace, astounds me each time I think of it. But, just like fall, there is a time of change that comes. The golden orange, red, purple leaves that leave us all breathless, disengage from their branches, tumbling to the ground, stripping the tree to its bare limbs exposed to the winters rage. It seems a heartless, cruel end to something so magnificent...and for what purpose?
If I had never experienced spring, with it's new growth and hope for abundance of shade, it would all seem too meaningless for the tree; and leave us no hope of another fall. But, God in his perfect design, had a plan. For the tree, and for me.

The change that has come about due to Jim's accident has brought much pruning, literally and emotionally. We are having to let go of many material things and way of life that was familiar and comfortable. We will be leaving our home of 9 years that we poured sweat, tears and money into and will be downsizing to almost our beginning married life. It's not the things we must let go of that is so hard, it's the memories that go with them. Financially, we have had to disappoint many as the bills are too overwhelming. This is really painful and I hate it. Most of all, changes in daily living have been enormous. The routine of our lives, good or bad, was comfortable, do able and known. This path we are now walking down is strange, isolated and frightening, at times.

But, God.

Experiencing the range of emotions and trials does not exclude us from his mercy, grace or constant love. As glorious fall gives way to winters wrath, we are not left without hope. For Gods planning for the seasons, as well as our lives, always brings hope, growth and life. I think the secret to pressing on and waiting for spring is knowing Him and his faithfulness; and trusting in his perfect plan with a thankful heart that the mighty creator of the tree, and me, has it all under control.