The last two weeks have been particularly hard ones. I've had to make major decisions and act on them. They will affect us for many years to come. It is one thing to choose your own path, it is quite another when you must choose for those you love. I have prayed, sought counsel, and tried to weigh my options. I have a sense of peace or acceptance, but, my emotions are scattered. I find myself on the verge of tears for no reason, stuffing my shredded composure and thoughts back into my body like a cast away rag doll.
I catch myself self talking(lecturing would be a better word) and recalling all the reasons my heart should be thankful instead of mourning. But I wonder. There are losses. Major losses.
What would Jesus do? He had feelings, disappointments, discouragements. I am sure he must have felt devastation when he lost his friend Lazarus. The Bible says, "Jesus wept." And how discouraged and disillusioned must he have been when his closest friends, the apostles, let him down, or acted out of selfishness or lack of trust. Surely this weighed on him.
Did he ever second guess his decisions? He was all God, but also, all man. Did he place his trust in his earthly wisdom, or his heavenly father? I wonder.
We all know, ultimately, what he did. But did he struggle?
In my quest to follow him I think I sometimes get confused with how I should be and just being who He created me to be. If He knows me from head to toe, inside and out, he knows my weaknesses and my struggles. What crushes me and what I can withstand. If He allowed himself to experience the feelings that accompany major changes and loss, surely he expects me to feel the same. When will I get it through my head, He loves who he created in me and only ask that I walk in faith. My weakness is made perfect in his strength
I've been told, Joy comes in the morning. Maybe that is because Jesus is the 'Son' that rises in the dawn of a new day, giving us hope for tomorrow and displaying his faithfulness today.
I will smile through the tears, count my blessings, and rest in his faithfulness.